The deception every addict falls in love with until the pain is so bad, but not bad enough to stop because the appetite of evil cannot go unfed.  In the beginning we feel like we have control.  We immerse ourselves into the “new thing.”  It really doesn’t matter your struggle.  For me personally, it is all rooted in not wanting to think about what a horrible person I think I am.  How weak am I that even in my weakness I lie.  I lie to myself about not lying that I am lying to myself.  The word broken really is not an accurate description, I would lean more toward spiritually SHATTERED!  Have any of you been here before? I feel like the only one sometimes, even though I know I am not.  It saddens me to think I focus on this while across the World people choose to lose their lives simply because they believe in Jesus.  Men, women and children are slaughtered, tortured and destroyed physically and emotionally for their love of God, while I sit here and listen to the whispers that tell me I am a piece of crap because I have no self control.  Well, the choice to have no self control is not a choice I just don’t have any because I would rather not think, feel or even pay attention to the whispers of my unworthiness.

In the end, my friends, the lies need to stop.  The cross needs to remain HUGE in my line of sight.  Its presence is so big that I can see it even when I close my eyes right through my eye lids and so big that even if I turn around and close my eyes I can sense its shadow overcoming me.
BIG CROSS= BIG FAITH
LITTLE CROSS= BIG PAIN

“Jesus’s death and resurrection become our death and resurrection” -Jonathan. K Dobson,
Gospel-Centered Disciplship