For over 30 years my brain, flesh and soul have battled. My mindset has always been a selfish one. I have in all instances of my life expected instant gratification. If I can’t get this now, well I know where I can get something close enough. I know Jesus never stops pursuing and knowing he has been called the “Hound of Heaven”, He has come upon my scent again and is back in the driver seat. My biggest obstacle is myself and my brain. My thoughts are like wild stallions, when one bucks the entire herd will stampede and before I know it I needed to medicate it or numb it in my past.
Now, I feel God’s peace and I have surrendered to him. I know the shackles I have been in over these many years are finally broken. I can say, without a doubt, for the first time in my life I have stepped out of the dungeon completely. I have always taken steps to walk out of that heaviness but because I was so familiar with what the dark had to offer, I always left a foot in the door. This was so that I could run back if things changed to quickly. This time when I stepped all the way out and completely into God’s arms, the dungeon collapsed more like exploded. It is gone but the pieces are still there and I must stay alert to the ease and temptation to run back and rebuild it on my own. I know my new thoughts and feelings are good and healthy, but I DO NOT like the way this feels. God also goes by the name of “Emmanuel” which means “God is with us”, however this doesn’t mean we can use him like a magic wand and hope all will be well and we will be healed immediately. Most of my life I have been spoiled and expected and received instant gratification. Now on one side, my personality has drawn people to like me and well take care of me, that hasn’t been so bad, LOL! On the other side, it has led to much destruction and torment in my life.
In the failure to conquer the city of Ai, Joshua found it was Achan’s stolen pleasures that caused the loss. Once that was dealt with( the killing of all of Achan’s family and kinfolk) Ai was conquered. Jesus is letting me know through all that is happening in my life now, it’s about delaying gratification and trusting and waiting on His time, not mine! I am learning when I say now, Jesus says not yet my son and when I say later, Jesus says nope, Now my son!
My Prayer:
Papa,
Thank you and mostly lay your healing and merciful hands upon me in the renewing of my mind. Help me to give you each of my thoughts so that you may examine them. Papa, please strengthen the good ones and cut off and silence the impure ones. I love you and pray that I may fall back in love with my first love which is you.
Love your Beloved,
Ant
One Love, One King, All Christ!