The Fear of Change

Why is it that I do not want to change.  It feels like I am completely OK with where I am at spiritually.  Yet I wake up this morning and my soul is churning.  I am not at ease and I am going into prayer but almost with fear.  There is this feeling like I will lose who I believe I am if I trust to turn to Christ. If I truly give everything to him, including my sin.  This sin has been a part of me since I was a little boy, literally and has it’s hook in me deeply.  It has caused me so much pain and solitude over the last 22 years of my life.  I have fought through and hidden most of this but I am tired of hiding and tired of just making it through.  I have continually missed out on many opportunities that God has set before me because of my mindset and soul-set.  I want to walk out of the dungeon and it feels like I can’t even though there is no door on the hinges.  I can walk out, but if I walk out all the way then I lose my ability to get what I want and when I want it.  I have reached out for some help over the years, but ultimately I fight this alone because its my secret.  The problem with that lie is I know God wants me to serve him.  I know I have a purpose of reaching out to young people and talking to them about the realness of Christ and this World.  As I reflect back on a short motivational video about wanting to be successful, I believe I am finally in the place where that old man says I need to be.  He tells the young man, “You will only achieve success when you want it as bad and you need to breathe!” He tells him this after almost drowning him.  I do not want to drown I want to inhale deeply of the breath of Christ and experience true freedom.  I know I cannot do it alone and I pray that God guides me into the right people as they will become a part of my crown of life.  Thank you for taking the time to read this and I hope there is something that connects with you! Amen

One Love, One King, All Christ!

Holiday Time

The holidays bring cheer to some and others will frown
As they hold on tightly to believing their alone.
Sadly many of us will put on this lonesome crown
Truly trusting that we are completely on our own

This time of year can bring out the worst
Reminiscing of the past keeps us dazed for a while
Our loved ones that are gone has us feeling cursed
OH Lord, how long can I hold this fake smile

I see families in every direction I turn
A longing to be loved wrestles with my heart
The tears become so many my eyes start to burn
Oh how I wish for the new year to quickly start

This mindset does not settle in overnight
As we battle the sadness of those we miss
This time of year Jesus may be our only light
For you may be one thing, For me the gentleness of my mom’s kiss

However, The “Woe’s me” must come to an end
As our Papa tells us he is more than enough
We are His Beloved and that is our Godsend
Within His embrace the Holidays won’t be as rough

Autonomy- Making decisions independently from God!

I was reading a devotional that was sent to me and this was the topic of the day.  As I started to read it, I became more and more convicted in my soul.  I realized there are so many times that I make decisions and go with what I feel is right, rather than what God has in store.  I know it happens to me the most when I feel my prayers are not being answered in the time I want them to be.  I always know when I start to draw back closer to God as my concerns and wants become less about me and more about him.  Then there is always some obstacle that comes into play and BOOM, I go right back to making a decision that I have “control” over instead of truly letting God drive.  I want to be the man of God that I was born to be, but if I keep trying to move around while he is molding me, it will take a lot longer because of me. I think it is funny that I actually believe I can make a decision that will impact my life or even someone else without consulting Jesus.  This is advice I give all the time but yet I do not follow my own advice.  I can tell you I am so tired of this and it has finally made it to the point where you are so far underwater and racing to the top to take that DEEP BREATH of air and you feel like you are not going to make it and then you Do!!  Life is crazy and I am stubborn and it takes me to suffer and suffocate before I truly just turn and place my eyes where I am most joyful and at peace, JESUS!