I can remember the exact moment as if it was just last night.  The uncomfortable silence and the heaviness on my chest.  The feeling of anxiety and dread and all of the feelings so overwhelming as I was thinking about Jesus.  I am laying there thinking about Jesus and my mind and flesh are going crazy.  After feeling that way for hours, which really was only a few fleeting moments, I get up and decide I need to numb this NOW!  Then as if all my problems and feelings were lifted, this is while I am sinning, I felt comfort.  Those scary feelings disappeared, no more dread, no more anxiety and I actually felt good in that darkness.  We seek pleasure because we cannot wait on God’s timing, but more so we seek those feeling to numb the other feeling that don’t feel good.  Now as God has been dissecting me and doing surgery on my soul I am recognizing how much trust and faith I have put in the comfort of my sin.  I never thought the darkness could feel so good and give me this false sense of peace.  It is true if we have never experienced authentic peace in Christ then we wouldn’t know the difference.  I know that was something that put a lot of fear in me that I had never really had peace in Christ.  Always in a losing battle because I would never trust Jesus and the Holy Spirit to fight the fight for me and help me at my weakest moments.  What an amazing con man I have been to myself and I have believed the lies for over 20 years, like selling ice to an Eskimo, oh yeah I am the Eskimo!  I have always allowed the comfort of my sin to be enough for me and all the while my heart and emotions were DEAD!

The comfort, however, never lasted it was always followed and I mean always by pure unadulterated, disabling and defiling shame.  The cycle of sin and addiction would just turn and turn and I would be there running full speed on the Sinner’s Wheel of Death. I wanted to say hamster but sinner’s sounded more powerful, just so you know.  WHY CAN’T I STOP, LORD? I’M SO SORRY, LORD! PLEASE HELP! I MEAN IT THIS TIME! And on and on the pleas of forgiveness, but never of repentance.  I would say forgive me and stop for a while and then I would see the damage I had done and you guessed it, right back into the cycle and the comfort of the darkness.  I had the belief that this was my thorn in my side and that was the excuse I was going to use until my last breath.  You see it’s easy to accept the promise of comfort because we know over time it will run out and you will have to renew it.  I am sure we all have that favorite couch or recliner and over time the comfort ran out!  I always chose to renew my comfort because the pain and thoughts that came with them were so overwhelming and SO LOUD!

True peace is found in Christ but not in the way many of think.  Peace in Christ comes through war with ourself.  We must allow Jesus and the Holy Spirit the freedom to help us in this war.  It is not much of a fight for the devil when we do this alone, WE GET WHOOPED!  The cool part of this is the devil and all his minions GET WHOOPED when we surrender to Christ.  It’s hard to explain in words, but peace in Christ is like when you have escaped death.  There is such a relief and exhale of joy as your life is flashed before your eyes.  You can stand still and know He is God, you stand in reverence.  The beauty of peace with Christ is the Holy Spirit opens the eyes of your heart and you can take captive and examine each thought and see where exactly it is originating from.  It’s comedic in a sense of how sin try’s to hide and it makes me think of “Peter Griffin” (Fat Guy from Family Guy) hiding behind a broomstick as if we couldn’t see him.  Seriously, God lets us see it not to remind of us of how we have fallen, instead to remind us of what He has freed us from.  This life needs to be lived day by day and moment by moment.  I challenge you to live with Christ first and truly see how easy life is.  I want you to tell me how being weak and believing in Jesus is a crutch for us to not truly experience life.  The battle for peace is not one for us to fight.  It is for us to turn over that fight to the true warrior in Christ Jesus, who will demand peace with failed resistance from the enemy.  Every Knee Will Bow! EVERY LAST ONE ON EARTH AND IN THE SPIRITUAL REALM.  We have Jesus, the Holy Spirit and Angels ready to protect us at all times and they will always answer to our plea of weakness and surrender! Amen

One Love, One King, All Christ