The last few years have been a battle between my flesh, heart, soul and mind.  It is a battle that has taken many huge and rough defeats, but has also experienced some beautiful victories.  You see, my friends, I know the war is won… In the end, Jesus has got my back!!  But we still have to live on this Earth and deal with our worse enemy, our own self!  I mean I know the Devil is real and his influence and attacks are as well.  However, many of my downfalls come from believing lies I tell about myself.  I am tired of my sin life being on automatic!  If you don’t know what I am talking about its when your body just does it, no thought, no preparing, it is just so accustomed to the action that it just happens.  Several of my emotions are like this as well.  Coaching has a become a great outlet for me, a healthy one, but I have to be on alert that I do not fall into the traps of the coaching life.  I have battled my strength in Christ for several years of my life and much like the rest of the country it happens in seasons.  The one season I seem to stay in all year is really not allowing myself to love myself.

Now, if you met me and talk to me or see me coach you would probably not believe that I do not love myself well.  I think it started many mango seasons ago when I was very little.  However, the impact it has had on my life, especially my personal life is devastating.  Now, when I am close to God and things are aligned, I feel amazing and I know this because I have no fear to share the Lord.  It is in the moments where I look at myself and sabotage myself into believing lies, like I am not worth it, or of course she wouldn’t want me etc.   The crazy thing is, the women that I have met most recently are cool and down to Earth, but guess what, No Jesus!  This is a big problem for me and then I haven’t been going to church.  I am not saying to use church as a dating place, but I need to find someone who is running this same race with me towards Christ.

I went to celebrate my mom’s 11th anniversary in Heaven with Jesus the other day.  I asked God to bring my mom along for the chat, if He didn’t mind of course.( I don’t think He did)  Anyways, it was in that chat with God that I heard myself and realized how easily I can be bamboozled by Satan.  Instead of taking every thought captive and allowing Jesus to investigate and dissect it, I am taking them and trying to make pizza out of clay!!  Its not going to happen and in the end, I end up a lot worse off in the brain and thoughts and emotions department.  I know in my life I have been  led by my eyes, whether it be food, women or material things, but lately those things have fallen off and I know I want more.  When this started to happen I started to care less and less about myself, without realizing it!  I gained over 80 pounds and ended up near 350 pounds!  When this happened I realized, along with some close childhood friends dying of heart attacks, I needed to change something.  That change has started and the more I realize the importance of church and being around others who love Jesus the more I believe these lies will be a lot easier to call out on and not believe.

I have come back to Christ, what feels like a millions times, but you know the truth is He has never let go from the moment He embraced me into His family!  I am his adopted Beloved son and in that he simply awaits for me to see my worth and for me to see myself as He sees me!

My prayer is I will fall back in love with my first love, Jesus Christ and allow the Holy Spirit to take the lead and guide me in my life of coaching, living, personal and growth as His beloved.  Amen!

One Love, One King, All Christ!!