What have I learned in 2016?

2016 was a difficult yet very rewarding year for me.  God has spoken to me on so many levels and it is amazing how I misunderstood almost all of them.  Seriously, all the way up to the end of 2016.  I believed that God had a purpose for something new in my life when I stepped away from coaching, but in reality this time was for me.  I totally blew it, I had a chance to maintain my health and weight and instead found myself with the same self-hatred I have lived with most of my life.  The one thing I can’t grasp is the mask I put on is so full of confidence yet my soul cowers to most obstacles set before.  I have overcome those obstacles because YHWH has been there to guide me through it.  I see that relationship more like Him pulling me the way He wants me to go while I am running in the opposite direction, thinking I know what is best for me.  I have spent a lot of time dealing with weakness, stinkin thinkin and addiction this year.  God has broken open that slimy bubble I have lived through most of my life.  Our vision is skewed when we look through the sliminess of that bubble.  It makes everything that is good look boring and everything that is Nasty looks appealing.  We hold onto that because we have become so familiar with how we see life.  There is a significant healing that comes once you realize your thoughts and way of thinking is off.  It is in knowing that I am off base that lets me know I need help.  You see all the years before it was only about me, I literally could take anyone’s situation and make it about me.  I am a champion at being the thumb sucking cry baby when it comes to life and then you open your eyes for a few minutes and realize your life isn’t that bad.  The horrible things that happened to you didn’t kill you and you can breath, smile, eat, drive and go to work, Seriously, how big a deal are some of the things you freak out about?

This year has not only brought me clarity to the fact that I am off, which is a good thing, lets make that clear.  It is actually the people who don’t know that they are crazy that I worry about.  They think they have this life thing down pat!  In learning about myself and why I would chase the misery is because I have never truly loved myself.  Whatever and regardless of what got me to believe that, it is time to stop believing that I am not worthy of loving myself and start doing it.  I cannot tell you exactly how that looks, but I know I have a long way to go because I received probably the biggest blessing of my life in 2016 and though it is not your typical relationship, a woman, who is all of what I have prayed for is IN LOVE with me and she Loves YHWH.  One of the hardest battles I have today is when my brain and old ways tried to figure out why she would love me.  It is when I leave those thoughts behind and just enjoy the day and moment with her that I can start to see why YHWH loves me and why I should love myself.  Now, just a quick note to why I choose to use YHWH(Yahweh) for God instead of God.  It encompasses all of who He is in one breath.  The Israelites and Jews called him by this one name because it represents The Father, The Son and the Holy Spirit.  Now, we can call God, God or Father or Lord, but I have come to learn this year when I truly want to reach to Him, I say YHWH!  Ok, now back to my journey in 2016…

One of the strongest healing points for me this year was learning and saying the serenity prayer.  The first part was crucial for me, but it is the part that says ” hardship is the pathway to peace!” that really does it for me.  We cannot grow unless we struggle.  We all have to battle our demons and those burning arrows that are shot in out direction.  We get hit and those we love get it and it is in that battle that we find YHWH and His Son Jesus, that helps us to find peace.  Jesus allows us to experience peace on Earth, because he endured HELL on Earth for us to His Death.  It is in His resurrection that we gain freedom, but do we believe?  I can tell you without a doubt, no matter what life has thrown, I have Trusted that Jesus is with me.  I believe that stronger now since my mom passed away over 8 years ago.  We make life more than we can handle because we think we know the answer and we are to proud to stop and let Jesus take the wheel.  It is like we let him get in the driver seat but it is a drivers ed car… We have a steering wheel and brake on our side as well.  He starts to turn down a street that seems scary and we immediately want to turn to the street that looks familiar and safe.  That is exactly the problem, what looks beautiful and safe to me is the darkness and danger but because I am stuck in the slime bubble my vision is skewed.  Once we have Jesus he can pop that bubble, but the deal is that it doesn’t just make things clear because he popped it.  Nope it is like when you were a kid and blew a bubble with the good bubbliscious gum and it got so big that when it popped it covered your face!  That is what happens when Jesus pops that slime bubble, we realize we can’t see and need help and that is when He takes His healing and caring hands and starts to wipe our eyes clean.  We will able to see clearly, but we will have to trust Him for the times we can’t see.  In the end, I learned that my bubble is popped, my face and eyes are covered in slime, but Jesus has be by the hand, He is wiping away what is making me blind, my pathway to peace is through Him and in learning to Love myself, I will be able to Love even stronger those in my life, but especially the one who will become my wife! Amen
HAPPY NEW YEAR TO YOU ALL!!!

One Love, One King, All Christ!