My chest feels like there are 1000 pounds pressing down on me.  I keep trying to take a deep breath and I can’t.  There is something troubling my heart and its my soul and spirit fighting against my own flesh.  This is such a tough battle and it really seems like there are 2 of me just fighting it out.  I do not know who is winning, but I know the feeling.  I pray that my soul and spirit are winning and that the Holy Spirit is taking control.  How do I give up control, and how do I comprehend that I never had any in the first place.  I look at life and try to contain it so that I will not get hurt.  I have done that for so long that I have missed out on a lot of feelings, both good and bad, that we as humans are supposed to experience.  I love that I give good advice and that people know I care about them.  Why isn’t that enough to change my heart and my fight.  Why am I so selfish as to believe I deserve something in return.  Is it because I have been conditioned this way for over 20 years?  I do not know the answer and you better believe I have every excuse in the book.  However, the one thing I keep on choosing not to see, is the truth.  This heaviness is here because I allow it to be.  This heaviness is here because I choose to make this a battle.  This heaviness is here only because of me.  I cannot continue this struggle and for me I cannot go back.  I would not survive the life I lived before “Following” Christ.  It is to dark and dreary and lonely of a place.  Therefore, My friends, my only choice is to not worry about how things feel, rather I need to trust how my faith in Christ leads.  I hope to take you on this journey with me as a heart is softened and a child of God, the Beloved, is embraced by his Eternal Father and All Loving Friend, Jesus Christ! SELAH!