The Stone That Floats

The heaviness of this world is sometimes if not almost always tough to carry.  When we experience this in our life we sink to the bottom and it’s so hard to breath.  That feeling you get when you are underwater, and you so desperately need that breath.  Life will keep you in this state for as long as it can.  The more broken down and beaten we feel the less likely we are to help others because we are so focused on our own crap.

It is funny how we all know that when your throw a stone into water it will immediately sink to the bottom and that how life works for many of us.  Things happen to us, a family member or a friend and we sink.  We listen to the lies that we are worthless or not good and it keeps us holding our breath looking to find a way to the top.  We would give anything for that breath, that feeling of weight being lifted from us.  That desperation leads us all to our different vices.  We choose those things that help us forget we are drowning and sinking.  It is in this mode of desperation that Christ can prevail.

You see, my friends with Jesus it is not about magic!  It isn’t like you accept Christ and then your life because all unicorns and rainbows, no not at all.  What happens is he walks with you.  When he comes into our lives, it’s not that we don’t carry the heaviness that has molded us, he just keeps us afloat.  Yes, the stone that floats!!  Much like the pumice stone which is a real stone that does float, all our brokenness, the holes created by life allow us to fill up with Christ and we rise to the top.  Yes, we are on the surface, we can breathe, and it is now up to us to stay afloat. When you look in the picture what you do see is the shadow below the now floating stone.  There is a reminder of the past, a reminder of where we were taken from.  The fact that Christ can do all things and can watch us and protect us, is all him.  We must trust that God will help us and guide us and laugh with us all through these days.

I love being a stone that floats, it is comforting to know I do not have to do this life alone, but that Jesus will be there with me.  To guide me and keep me on the surface.  The beauty of Christ is when we decide to hold our breath to go back to drowning, He simply says here and stretches His hand out to us much like he did for Peter.  Hold on to me and you never have to let go, even in your brokenness and darkness, Christ is with us.  Choose to rise to the surface, choose to give Jesus your secrets and the lies you listen too, truly commit to trust him and see what happens!

One Love, One King All Christ!

You can’t have both, Anthony!

Earlier this week when I was spending time with a mentor of mine, he said he has lived by the same life mantra for over 30 years.  He simply says to himself you can’t have both.  You can’t have your way and God’s way.  It has been the foundation of my soul that I could find a way to do what I want and just bring God a long for the ride.  I thought about his explanation and the conviction and passion he had for this saying.  Also, how much he lived by it and made a practice of using it in his everyday life.  I decided to use this for myself.  You can’t have both, Anthony! your way and God’s way.  It doesn’t work like that, you must choose one.  I stop and meditate on those words and realize the only reason, true reason, I am in this battle is because I just won’t let go.  I keep choosing what I want, my way, even though the brightness of God’s promises is shining all over me.  Why am I tormented by the truth that I am deceiver and of no good.  Why am I tormented by God’s love for me instead of just letting him hold me!  God is full of Goodness and the truth is he loves me and I should bask in that glory of His love, yet I choose to hide in the darkness.  I am so quick to tell people the right thing to do and how they should surrender, but as for me I’m good! (BIG LIE)  This morning started off well and I was happy but I believe my feelings of conviction have finally caught up with me.  I have been in this blissful place with God and with my sin. I am living this way as if it is normal and honestly for the last 20 years it has been.  This is the furthest from the truth and I am not truly seeking and choosing God, but yet want his blessings because I am following a routine! not happening!!

Now, I am closer to believing then I have ever been in my life and walk with Christ.  This conviction this morning is heavy because the Holy Spirit has truly called out the poser I have been for so many years.  Always finding a way to create secrets to provide me with my needs and wants when I want them.  I have believed this to be OK for all of this time, seriously, this is my struggle!  That was the other part of the lie I held onto.  My brokenness should be more than enough to have me run and stay put in Jesus but just because I want to get my way I create these deceptions.  The more I read, whether books or the bible, the more I see men and women who give up on their posing and stand in the light of Christ.  They show all of their flaws and trust by faith that Jesus has them under His wings.  They did not keep secrets or tell half-truths(which are lies) or catch that sin door right before it closes and no one is looking.  I turned to Christ completely for a quick minute and as soon as I became complacent I went right back to posing.  I was always finding a way to cover myself.  You can’t have both Anthony! Your way and God’s way, choose one!  This conviction was felt hard today because you can’t have joy in Christ if you really ain’t bout Christ!  There are several statements that the Holy Spirit is rising to the top of my heart.  The first is a reminder that if there is anything unholy in me then there can truly be NOTHING Holy in me.  Also, I cannot continue to praise God while the other side of my mouth tries to deceive Him.  I have been a deceiver from a very young age, it was one of my ways of surviving and we think we are so good at it that we can actually deceive God! WOW! He knows the pureness of our hearts! My heart is broken and black, there truly is nothing holy in me because my God is not my center, I have an idol(god) that has influenced my life for over 29 years.

The truth is my deception has only hurt me and some of those close to me. Honestly, when you deceive people who are not a significant part of your life, does that even matter, because you don’t matter to them.  Today I have realized how subtle the slime of this Earth has entangled my being.  I haven’t felt conviction for a very long time, mostly because my heart was hardened, and then because God knew I wasn’t ready to handle it.  He knows how my emotions flow and take over and I run from that very quickly.  I sit here feeling this heaviness from God and can’t believe I have the gall to act pious and call out those who are just as broken as I am.  I am here taking for granted the GIFT of my salvation as if it is something I have done for many years.  IT IS A GIFT!  As I reflect back I sit in humbleness because God still loves me even though I have played this back and forth game with my faith.  I wear tattoo’s and write poems and devotionals.  I have preached and reached out to those in need and prayed deeply for people.  All of this for nothing because the whole time I have been deceiving myself.  Praising God in the daylight and feeding the monster at night.  Even as I write this now the devil infiltrates into my thoughts and life and pressing on my falseness, my mask.  I need to reorganize my life when I repent and begin to serve more.  I will pray HUGE prayers and just forget about my selfish wants.  You can’t have both, Anthony! Your way and God’s way! Choose One!  It has been about 22 years and God has still done a lot of good in light of  my brokenness.  Honestly, God has not been my number 1.  A choice of darkness has reigned supreme in my life and unless I claim this weakness to the world, I would never be exposed and covered by His healing light.  My whole life has been lived in secrecy.  I have always had a side that no one knew about and that was all mine.  This was my idol and it was the foundation of my altar, not Christ.  He is a part of my altar but not the foundation and that has made me weak and to chase after a weak god instead of pursuing an Omnipotent God!

No matter how much I write about him if I do not confess that my life has been full of deceit and secrets He can not become my First Love!  There is beauty today in this confession of idolatry and this is I can choose Jesus and God’s promises for real.  I need to give up my half-truths and my keen ability to deceive because it does nothing but deceive me away from the truth of God’s love for me.  It creates isolation and depression and then I feel exactly as the lies that are whispered into my thoughts.  I DO NOT WANT MY WAY ANYMORE! I want God’s way only and I need to be reminded of that daily.  you can’t have both, Anthony! Your way and God’s way, Choose one!  When we expose our brokenness to others and to Jesus it is our weakness that we expose and I will have faith that God will forgive me for the poser I have been and exemplify the Son he claims me to be in His Name!  I must trust to tell who I really am in the mist of recovery, I need to remember There is only Good in Jesus and His light shines brightly on our flaws.  They will stay flaws when we continually choose our way over God’s way.  In the bible, it says to not let your heart be troubled, but the truth is that can only happen if I truly give my heart and soul, not just words!

YOU CAN’T HAVE BOTH, ANTHONY!
YOU CANNOT HAVE YOUR WAY AND GOD’S WAY! CHOOSE ONE! AMEN!

One Love, One king, All Christ

In the Blink of an eye

Life is so fragile and we see it everyday as we watch the news or surf the internet.  We see loss and we keep on moving because honestly the World doesn’t stop for anyone.  Then when it hits close to home to someone who  you care about and have known for a long time, it settles you.  The feeling is not one to just keep on moving, but rather you stop and realize that in every breath you take you must take the fullness of living for the Joy of God.  So often we live worrying about tomorrow when literally in the blink of an eye it could be our last breath.  My heart is so heavy right now for a close friend of mine and the loss of her mom.  I know this feeling all too well and it has kept me up tonight.  I laid down in bed and tried to sleep and the Holy Spirit just kept nudging at me to get up.  I sat here for almost 2 hours watching nothing and scrolling thru Facebook because honestly I didn’t want to write this.  As my heart goes out to my friend it just reminded me of the loss of my mom.  I think of her all the time and it has been 8 years since she has gone home to be with Jesus.  However, whenever someone close to me loses someone close to them I feel it, I experience it with them, a lot of times just knowing that one of my friends has lost someone breaks my heart for them.  We know that Christ will comfort us but it is in the grieving of that person being gone that is so hard to accept.  I remember everything about my mom especially the things that I loved most and when that happens to someone close to me those feelings and memories come rushing back in.  I miss her so much and I know there are truly no words that I can share with my friend but to pray for her and her family in this time.  There is comfort in knowing, for them, that their mom is in Heaven, but honestly it ends there.  The blink of an eye and your gone and in life people get so caught up in the bull crap and if you are not careful you will be swimming in it as well.  I promised myself after my mom passed that I wouldn’t allow extra, human induced drama, play a part in my life and I have been able to live by that pretty well, but sometimes people are just stupid and you got to let them know it, I learned that from my Mama!

My prayer for my friend is that Jesus would embrace her and her family so that they could feel his peace during this time of loss and that he would watch over her and keep her calm as she has a baby coming.  There is so much to say about this and I am here just sitting and typing.  When you follow Christ you learn that your life is not about you and that has been a hard lesson for a spoiled child like myself, but caring for people has become very important to me and feeling the heaviness of someone’s burden is a prayer I asked for many years ago.  I rarely share this and didn’t realize it was happening to me until very recently.  The Holy Spirit lets me know something and then I pray and a lot of times I just place my hand on a shoulder in kindness and they have no idea that I am laying hands and praying for them and asking Jesus to lift that heaviness off of them.  In the blink of an eye and we can be gone.  How will you be remembered?  My desire is that everyone who knows me would know that I love Jesus but more importantly what can I do with every breath I am blessed with now.  I get so concerned of the things I want that sometimes I find myself lost in the world of me, but now with Christ at the center, and my pursuit of him is relentless, and my growth in him is steadfast, my desires have taken to the back as what He desires for me to do comes first.  The loss of my friends mom didn’t trigger this lifestyle change for me as God has been working on me for a while now, but it did resurge in me that my heart is no longer hardened.  It has allowed me to experience life differently and to look at each person that crosses my path as a child of God. I am reminded by the Holy Spirit that Jesus chose to die for them as well even if I am bothered by them.  The truth is that I have learned that I matter to God and in that truth it means they matter as well!!  I want to say that my memories of my mommy are beautiful to me, her smile, her laugh, the feeling of holding her hand and her love for Jesus are what overwhelm me when I miss her.  I use to struggle with her being gone and not seeing what kind of man I have become but no matter the person or the time when I bump into them and we talk about my mom, it never fails, they always and I mean always remind me of how all she would talk about was how proud she was of her baby, Antiney!  They always also try to say my name the way she said it and that makes it more special.  I know I am spoiled and I am glad she spoiled me.  All of this to say, my friends, enjoy every moment and everyday as a gift from God because we are not promised our next breath and our lives can literally change In The Blink Of An Eye! Amen

One Love, One King, All Christ