A Cry Out

It is has been a long long time that I have been in a storm. A darkness where I felt like I could not hear anything from the Lord.  I was tricked by the Devil, simply by believing I could recognize his attacks.  I decided to get into the ring and ever since I have been getting destroyed spiritually.  The hold feels like a giant foot planted on my neck, with a warning if I move I will suffer the consequences.  My heart has been hardened so much that, even in my desire to follow Christ, I FELT like Jesus was too far away.  I know that he paid it all on the cross, I have prayed for people, I have known these truths, yet I still believed the lies I get whispered to me all the time.

My search to get back is exactly what has kept me down.  Get Back To What?  Jesus let me know that nothing has changed, there is no getting back.  There is the Stop the Woes Me, and live embracing all the blessings and people who love me in my life.  I missed the mark my friends, in forgetting my life is not my own.  I allowed bitterness and anger to take hold and in that I have sabotaged my own life, living in a place where there is no light, no joy and no peace.  My heart was so tainted that even when I knew I was going to mess up and I saw the way out, I did not take it.  As life continues, God continually sent people from all places in my life to remind of who is is, The Hound Of Heaven,  He is relentless in his pursuit of his Beloved.  He not only mourns for those who do not know, but he loves and wants to discipline and comfort those who do believe.

I placed myself back in a dungeon that doesnt even have a door and I am sitting here.. watching and observing as life goes by, realizing the relationships and opportunities that Jesus is giving me and will continue to give me to glorify him.  He is the reason for everything and it hurts me to and embarrasses me that I have been fooled into this uneasy and heavy yoke.  Thankfully, in his pursuit, he sent yet another Angel to me.

As I sit here through these tears, wiping them just to see the keys.. My heart hurts in a good way.  He took someone I invested in, someone he used me to help get to know him better and brought him to me in a time when I believe I have been at my worst.  I think I have misunderstood the meaning of hitting rock bottom… Well I don’t agree with it, because it feels more like being at the bottom of the rock with all of its weight on me.  I allowed my pride to make me believe I could not get here again because I am a believer and as you read this you see the word “I” a alot and when it has come to this, I have done it Solo, ignoring the help being offered, or simply letting my heart be numb to the love God offered me through friends.  Then, the angel, sits with me and as I see the Light of Christ shining through him and pouring onto me, my heart softens, I feel the demons running because Christ and the Holy Spirit have come like a Navy Seal team to take care of one of their own.  Here is this young man, speaking into me, the wisdom that Christ gives him to tell, He Loves me and reminds me through him, I have made huge differences inso many lives because of Jesus.

My morning as started off in an amazing way…  He is here with me, I have ignored him for so long, thinking I could do this, I can come out of this.. HE IS HERE, THIS MORNING, HE IS HERE!!  I am so thankful for Jesus so humbled that even in all the evil and darkness I feel I have succumbed too, he does care. HE IS HERE!  I do not want to be here anymore. I want the Rock lifted and JESUS HAS LIFTED THE ROCK.. I know our God is an Awesome God and I know it even more today.  There is no better feeling in this world or universe or in Heaven than to hear Jesus say,” Anthony, I choose YOU!!!”  Amen

One Love, One King, All Christ

Remember my friends, Live Like Your Loved

The excuse of the Carnal Self

As Mother Day passes by it is always a difficult time.  However, the carnal self in me knows that my desire to not think about the pain is greater than sitting in it knowing that she is in Heaven.  The thoughts and temptations become overwhheming and the ability to resist them become almost unattainable.  This is going to be 6 years after her passing and every special day Mothers Day, Her Birthday, the Holidays all result in the same behavior, Numbness!  I finally realized in trusting Christ it means enjoying these days, the grief and longing to be with her will always be there but enjoy the moments with the people God has placed in your life.  The more you spend time with Christ the less the Evil One can sway you.  We have the Power of the Holy Spirit to guide us and fight for us.  It is so easy to give into the desires that overcome us in the times when we should rely on Jesus’ love but because we have programmed ourselves for so long we sometimes just go with the flow.  It is easier to medicate and not feel the hurt than to Feel Gods love.  The trick I am learning is just to say NO.  Saying No in the midst of the struggle, allowing the Holy Spirit to do what God promises he will do.  Save us!!  Salvation is not where becoming a Christian ends, its where it Begins.  I am thankful for the 32 years I got to spend with my Mom and even more for the eternity I will get to be with her as well.  Missing her, Loving Her and Longing for her touch and the sound of her laugh are healhty things to feel.  Its through the darkness that His light will shine Bright and losing someone we love brings extreme darkness. So My Friends Expect a BRIGHT WHITE HOT LIGHT!! Amen

Darkness Falls

There comes a time in all of our lives, even after knowing Christ, that Darkness falls.  It doesn’t matter which direction we look, it seems as if there is no light.  I have been in this darkness for months now.  I allowed the wrong doings of others towards me to harden my heart.  In that I have found myself in a place that seems so far away from my Lord.  I watch and listen and experience the work of Jesus in the lives of those around me.  I sense that somehow deep within me I can find it once again, but then I turn back to the darkness.  The truth is I have found comfort in the darkness, in the lies that it has given me to be truth.  I know the truth of Christ and I know how much he loves me, but for some reason, I let my choices be about me and not about God.  I find my selfish needs have little to do with pleasing myself, but much more about numbing myself.  As I sit and think about the times of darkness I realize that I have chosen those paths because they are ones I am most familiar with.  You see Christ is Radical and Just.  He is not safe, but rather intense in the love he has for us.  I have found myself trying to contain the love he has for me by believing the lies that I am not good enough.  Only through Jesus can the Light penetrate the darkness.  I know that in a pitch dark room if you light a small match it can light up the whole room on the spark. What Christ has to Offer is a white hot brightness that cannot be duplicated and is just for me and you.  As Darkness has Fallen on me, it will be the light of Christ that Lifts it off of me.  I am a new creation in Christ, I am His Beloved and there is nothing, even the sin I have chosen that will keep me from him.  My future is in Christ’s hands and I will not live my life alone and lost.  I will grab a hold of the mane of the Lion of Judah and follow the path that he trail blazes for me.  I will trust him through my feelings of doubt, anxiety and loss and realize the Victory I have in him.  I pray for you that have been lost in the Darkness, that you would allow the light in.  Amen and Amen

One Love, One Cross, All Christ!