Brought to my knees by his love

Powerlessness is true surrender to Jesus. Openly admitting I have no control, power or ability to manage my life without Him!  This sounds like weakness and guess what IT IS! Scripture says when we are weak in ourselves that is where we are STRONG in Christ.  God’s love is all powerful and like a good father he teaches, he protects and leads by example.  He looks me in the eye and tells me I am His beloved.  There is NOTHING I can do to ever change His love for me.  He shows me His scars and simply says ” For You, Anthony.”  I can tell you that HIS LOVE and accepting it has and will continue to bring me to my knees! Amen

One Love, One King, All Christ!

You got to get into the dirt to get someone out of the dirty!

The more I search and dig into my life I see God everywhere.  Jesus is not clean, he comes into our dirt to lift us out.  He will do whatever it takes to free us and clean us.  He loves us, protects us and calls us His Beloved.  I am His Beloved, His one and only.  As I was reading chapter 7 of Romans and hear of Paul’s struggle to do the good he wants to do but cannot do and the bad he doesn’t want to do, he does.  This resonates through out my flesh and sinful nature.  However, no matter how many times I have been cleaned, I would always jump back into the dirt because it was familiar and I knew it well.  I could never “feel” right when God loves on me, I feel awkward and unworthy of it.  I have made everything in life about me.  I was spoiled terribly and that belief is a part of my core belief of myself.  The problem is that belief is enmeshed with a belief that I am not worth God’s love.  Talk about being in a quick sand pool of dirt while trying to hold a boulder over my head!  While all of this is going on in me, Jesus is whispering “Anthony, my Beloved, you are clean.”  I do not know how to switch roles or seats if you will.  I Do Not want to drive anymore!  I want him to be in control of every moment, I will give him my complete surrender.  Much like a child who wants to learn to ride a bike, he does not say “Daddy watch me and make sure I don’t fall down!” No he comes and he says ” Daddy teach me how and please do not let me get hurt!”  I am slowly starting to understand surrender. I do not like it and I have to be ok with that because as I heard so eloquently spoken, My best thinking on my best day has got me here!

I have made a choice to say I am done. I am not pursuing anything other than GOD.  I want him to become my addiction.  I want every part of me to be covered completely by him for the rest of my life.  There is a rap song that speaks of King Midas and that everything he touched turned to gold, well I am the opposite of this in my life when “I” choose to make decisions or follow my thoughts and feelings.  Everything I touch turns to crap when done without Christ.  There is always a hidden agenda, not even always bad thoughts, but hidden.  I’m tired of thinking I am not worth God’s Love when He says I am.  I AM NOT HOPELESS, I AM HIS HOPEFUL, HIS BELOVED.  The more I struggle the more I realize the simple but painful truth “I” can do nothing good without him.  When we are told to take up our cross, it is to remember we do not have to be NAILED TO IT, but we must feel the pressure and heaviness of His love.  Carrying our cross can bring us to our knees, IN LOVE.

Love is something I want to know intimately and only with God.  I want my love for him to be all I know and as he pours his love in return, the overflow will touch those around me.  I give up my search of what church says is normal, married with kids.  I NEED and want God to be more than enough, even if that means he chooses for me to stay single.  I need to be ok with that!  I need to come to the truth that this would not be a punishment because of my sin rather He wants me all to himself.  That should excite me and not burden me.  I pray to give it all up and surrender to my Daddy, My Papa, My ABBA, Jesus Christ! Amen

One Love, One King, All Christ!

Love your neighbor as yourself!

When I get up and show up, God always does something good.  I went to a new bible study last night and had a chance to share with some new people.  As we sat around each of us shared about something going on in our life.  One of the young men shared about being able to help everyone and care about everyone, but when it came to himself, he didnt care.  I sat and listened to him and I heard my story and my struggle for so many years.  I could never accept God’s love for me and it caused me to have no drive and no care.  I wouldn’t mind to give my all to help a friend in need.  When I was around people they laughed and we had a good time.  It was as if people were drawn to me.  I didn’t care I just wanted to be alone and not deal with anyone.  I never had suicidal thoughts or anything like that, I just didn’t care nor did I think I was worth the time.  Then I was told my love for others and my service was done in vain, because of this very commandment,

‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no commandment greater than these.” Mark 12:31

The question asked to me was how can you love someone else if you cannot love your self and you say you are a Christian, a believer in Jesus Christ.  I didn’t have an answer and it stumped me, but I continued to stay home more than socialize.  It was in my aloneness that I thought I could hide from my darkness, but in truth, alone covered me in that darkness.

Then last night I am listening to this young man speak and it was like looking into a mirror.  My heart tightened up as he spoke because God spoke and said listen, he needs me and it will be through you, Anthony!  I heard it, I heard him speak to me and I asked if I could share.  When I explained to him that his story was my story there was a look of relief on his face and of concern.  It is hard to hear that God LOVES YOU, YES YOU and accepting that when you never have held yourself in his arms.  Every whisper becomes a scream of how unworthy you are to even think God could love you.  That lie seems so true and as it digs into your feelings you become your own worse enemy.  We had a chance to talk more after and it was awesome.  God is so amazing and as I still fight this battle moment by moment, he will do things like this.  A reminder of How Much He Loves All Of Us, but especially how much Jesus Loves Me!  Even in my reconstruction, Jesus is my strong divine foundation, that never gives!! Amen

One Love, One King, All Christ!