It’s Never bad enough

I hate that I can feel one way and not do anything about it sometimes.  I am horrible when it comes to having patience and letting God work.  I can barely sit, unless watching television, and rest.  I look at my past and when I see the path I have trailed there is a lot to be proud of.  It is absolutely crazy that I never stop to thank God and remember all those good things.  Its like I’m looking at a 10 karat diamond and all I see is the piece of coal it came from.  I need to live in the glory of the Lord, right?  I should be thankful and I am, but it’s where my mind and heart go that scares me after the fact.  My life and the way I live it and the beliefs I have do not allow me to see past my failures.
Now I am a person who can not leave well enough alone.  I will mess with cuts over and over again even if its painful, just because it bothers me.  That seems to be the way I live spiritually as well.  I do not allow my spiritual wounds to heal to scars, I keep picking away at them and they keep bleeding and staying fresh.  This results in me having no self control over a lot of areas in my life.  Areas that are significant to health, relationships, work and my walk with Christ.  I never stopped to smell the flowers when it came to control.  I am a control freak and need to know every aspect of whatever is going on.  Obviously because I can “control” it.  That is the biggest joke and lie the I have lived as truth for most of my life.  You see since I believe in my heart that I have had these areas in “CONTROL”, nothing of what I would do wrong would sink in.  It’s Never Bad Enough!  I have been searching the last 2 weeks to find out what was at the root of all my symptoms I have medicated and numbed myself to over the years.  It all makes sense because, in all my areas of no self control, they are all areas I believe I have control and it’s me making those decisions.  I eat more than I am supposed too, I drink soda more than I am supposed too, I speak my mind more than I am supposed to, I struggle more than I am supposed.  All of this is because I can control over doing these things so much so that it has molded my nature of living.  This is so scary because I need to live in a world where God is more than enough and not where Life is never bad enough to change how I am living.

One Love, One King, All Christ

Wisdom!!

“Weakness is where Christ is strongest, but that is different if I choose to do what makes me weak instead of letting the thought of doing it, makes me weak.  God will help you when you truly WANT help!!” –Me

Deeply Rooted (God has to take his time) We are so Deep!

What is it about our routines that turn us into such robots?  Even when things change and we find a new routine or hobby or even addiction we fall into it and that is who we are.  Many of us identify ourselves by what we think of ourselves on the inside.  I learned a long time ago it is easy to put on that friendly I got everything under control mask.  We can respond correctly to so many situations but yet inside we are in a battle that is not quite containable.  I mean God literally knows the count of every hair on our head, in my case roots of the hair that use to be there, but WOW.  Why is such awesomeness met with such mediocrity?  What is it in our human nature that pushes us so hard to not open our eyes to the one true God?  There are people today men, women and children who die because they believe in Jesus Christ.  We sit here in America and say that we would but how do we really know? You Don’t
We have a lot to lose in many of our eyes.  We have families, children of our own and let’s not forget our self.  Sometime when something has been a part of your life for so long God will take his time in removing it from your soul because if he was to rip it out it would cause severe trauma.  He is meticulous in his will.  If you ever read the Old Testament and see how he wants things built, they are to the centimeter or drachma (I know this is currency) or whatever the measurement of that time was.  He is the same when he works on us.  I never stopped to realize what he is doing when he is working on us.  Not only is he dealing with our soul, heart, flesh and sinful nature, but also our routines.  He knows us and can easily change anyone if he wanted but because he cares he takes his time.  I am now only realizing in my battle to draw near to him that it is a slow process.  It has taken me 35 years to get the way I am and in order for me to be the man God has called me to be I have to allow him to use the scalpel and remove the darkness piece by piece so that when all that is left is a scar I can be humbled and reminded that he saved my life and loves me.  My prayer my friends, that I ask of you for me, if I should cross your mind, is that I would recognize the urgency and danger of just living on the fence.  While I am on the side where we are supposed to be I need to let God do his surgical work on me.  Amen!

One Love, One King, All Christ!